Fantastic Metropolis

“Let me ask you a question. You like women?”

“In general?”

“It’s a simple question. Do. You. Like. Women?”

“Sure.”

“Really?”

“No, not really. They’re kinda boring.”

“Except in bed.”

“Right.”

“Boy, we gotta major problem here.”

“Well, I kinda like ‘em, I like them sometimes.”

“You can’t take it back.”

“Well, what do I do?”

“There’s no formula. Nobody’s written the book on this stuff.”

“There’s a couple, actually.”

“Yeah?”

“But they don’t work. Or maybe I read them wrong. They’re kinda contradictory. Like one says women want dialogue. And another says gentleness. And then there’s the whole courtship thing.”

“That’s a last resort.”

“Flowers. And phone calls. And something else.”

“Flowers can’t hurt. But they get expensive.”

“Damn, I can’t remember the third thing. Anyway, it didn’t work.”

“That’s what I’m telling you. You can’t formulate these things.”

“Oral sex.”

“What?”

“I just remembered the third thing. Oral sex. And flowers. And phone calls. Not in that order, though.”

“I think we have got to get down to fundamentals, here. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“First off, relax. Don’t look so miserable. You’ve come to the right man.”

“That’s what Bill said.”

“It’s true. It’s a gift I have. Women love me. I bring them joy.”

“That’s what Bill said. Not the joy part but the other thing.”

“It’s true. I make men happy. Hold on. This requires lubrication. DORIS?”

“What?”

“What do you think, beautiful?”

“Hold yer horses, partner. I’ll get to you.”

“Let’s start with your mother. You like her, don’t you?”

“Well.”

“I mean, she fed you. She clothed you; she bathed you; she nursed you…”

“—I don’t remember that.”

“You don’t have to remember it, you just have to appreciate it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Now tell me something you like about your mom. The first thing that pops into your mind.”

“She’s clean.”

“Okay. Something else.”

“She’s thoughtful. She never forgets my birthday.”

“You said you were an only child.”

“Right.”

“So that’s not exactly a tax on her memory.”

“I’ll tell you what I don’t like. She’s a worrier. After Dad died it was like she didn’t trust anybody anymore. Like a sniper had her in his sights. And every time I went out the last thing she said to me was, “Be careful.” She was always cutting out newspaper stories about cults and child abductions and hitchhikers and putting them on my pillow.”

“Anything else?”

“She was terrified of germs. She always overcooked everything. Even her fish sticks. For years that’s what I thought fish was.”

“But aside from the fish sticks…”

“Well, that’s about it.”

“I take it she is not a funny person.”

“Funny?”

“Did she make you laugh?”

“No.”

“See that could be the problem right there. Has a woman ever laughed in bed with you?”

“God, no!”

“I don’t mean at you!”

“Nnnnnn, no.”

“I’ll tell you a great secret. Women like laughter.”

“Like… jokes?”

“Oh, god. You’ve never, never made a woman laugh?”

“No. Not intentionally.”

“Wait. I’m having a thought. You’re not by any chance gay?”

“I hope not.”

“You hope not?”

“I mean I don’t wanna be. But I haven’t slept with a woman in five years. So I’ve , you know, wondered….”

“Worried.”

“Yeah. But, well, take you for instance. You’re a good-looking man. You’re clean. Well-groomed. I feel comfortable talking to you. What?”

“You’re not making a pass at me?”

“Hell, no. I’m theoretical here.”

“Okay. Have you ever had sex with a man?”

“Yeah, twice. But they weren’t men, they were boys.”

“Recently?”

“Christ, no! We were Boy Scouts.”

“Oh.”

“It’s was after the singalong and we gave each other handjobs in the pup tent.”

“Here you go, boys.”

“Thanks, Doris.”

“What was she laughing about?”

“Never mind. You like it?”

“The beer?”

“The handjobs.”

“What’s not to like? Jeremy was kind of rough, though.”

“Okay. Well, to be honest, I don’t really think that counts as sex.”

“It bothered me for years. Then I read somewhere that it’s normal for men to experiment at an early age of development. Before the onslaught of sexual maturity.”

“Let’s get back to women.”

“Okay.”

“Tell me something. You ever had a woman friend?”

“One.”

“Where’d you meet her?”

“In grade school.”

“That would be a girl, then?”

“Louise. She’s not a girl anymore. Though she was always tiny. Every other kid in class liked the Beatles or The Stones. We liked The Kinks.”

“You liked her?”

“She was nice. Kind. She wouldn’t put anyone down. Everybody else did—but Louise wouldn’t. She was tough that way.”

“Tough?”

“She didn’t care what people thought about her. I mean, she did but she wasn’t going to adjust her personality. I liked that. That was brave.”

“You kissed her.”

“How’d you know that?’

“You were doing something with your lips.”

“I was?”

“Yeah, they were on the verge of a pucker.”

“Huh. Yeah, we kissed. It was in the supply closet. Where they kept the paper and the radioactive water.”

“What?”

“It was an emergency thing in case of, you know, nuclear war? I’m serious. They had these big green barrels with yellow plutonium stickers on the side and they were made out of cardboard.”

“The barrels.”

“Yeah. And it was uncontaminated drinking water in case of World War Three.”

“They must have expected a lot of thirsty survivors.”

“I guess. Anyway it was a tall closet with lots of shelves and Louise and I were supposed to be getting paper for the teacher but she said what if we were the last two people in the world. Then she dragged me into the corner and kissed me.”

“First time?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

“Amazing. Like fireworks. Her lips were cool. And I remember not knowing where to put my hands, or how to tilt my head. Then she got all flushed and I could feel the heat coming off her body. Like a cloud. She came and then we decided we liked each other but would be better as friends. What?”

“You said: She came?”

“Yes.”

“In the closet?”

“Yes.”

“You kissed her… and she came?”

“Yes. They always do.”

“What?”

“Come.”

“When?”

“When I kiss them.”

“Oh, come on.”

“What?”

“Come on.”

“I know it’s not normal but it’s true.”

“You kiss. They come.”

“Yes.”

“Always.”

“Usually. There are exceptions.”

“Like what?”

“My aunts. My mom. I generally don’t do it anymore.”

“What?”

“Kiss. It’s a pain, to tell you the truth. It seems to embarrass them.”

“I don’t understand. You, you can make a woman come with a kiss. And you got a problem getting dates?”

“Oh, I get dates. I get plenty of those. It’s the other thing I have trouble with.”

“What other thing?”

“The love thing. It’s like there’s nowhere else to go after they come. We’ve jumped to the ninth inning. Sometimes they slap me. Like they think I tricked them or something. Women are real vulnerable when they come.”

“They are?”

“Yeah. And if you’re not close they feel, I don’t know, like, compromised or something.”

“They do?”

“Yeah, so I spend a lot of time apologizing. And, see, they always come but I don’t.”

“You never mentioned that.”

“Why do you think I’m here? It’s always the same. They come a lot and then they go to sleep and when they wake up they’re afraid of me.”

“Afraid?”

“Yeah. Like I invaded them or something. Like they’re just a button I can press any time I want to. I make them feel mechanical.”

“Mechanical.”

“Like a robot. That’s what Joyce said, anyway.”

“Some women are never happy. So don’t kiss ‘em.”

“What?”

“Tell them kissing is too intimate. Like whores.”

“Whores kiss.”

“I’ve heard they don’t.”

“Bullshit. You pay ‘em enough they do anything.”

“I’ve heard that, too.”

“It’s true.”

“You’ve been?”

“Once. I was lonely.”

“How much?”

“I don’t wanna get into that.”

“Was it good?”

“It was fine. The last thing we did was kiss. She came. She cried. Now she works for Hertz.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You kissed her and she gave up the life?”

“Something like that. She hated men and she started to like them again after me. We were close for a while.”

“What happened?”

“She became a Republican.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so that killed that.”

“I’ve never heard of this before.”

“Me neither.”

“Is it a trick? I mean can you teach it?”

“Why would I want to teach it?”

“Are we talking tongue here or just lips?”

“Lips.”

“Doris? Come over here, Sweetie.”

“What do you want, John?”

“This is gonna sound like a joke, but it’s not. When was your last orgasm?”

“Five minutes ago. I had a big tipper.”

“I’m serious.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

“Listen. I bet you a twenty dollars my friend here can bring you to orgasm with just a kiss.”

“Don’t!”

“Relax.”

“A kiss? What is this, a trick?”

“Yeah, he’s magician.”

“I don’t want to.”

“He doesn’t want to.”

“Fifty dollars.”

“Get out of here.”

“Fifty dollars says my friend here can make you come just by kissing you.”

“Don’t.”

“Relax Joe, I’ll split it with you.”

“Fifty dollars? Just for a peck?”

“Swear to god.”

“It’s a deal. Hold still, Honey. Whoa.”

“Sorry. Here, I’ll hold that for you.”

“Thanks. Whoa.”

“You wanna sit down, Doris? You okay?”

“Whew. I’m fine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?”

“Relax, Doris is a sport. I thought you were shitting me.”

“I wasn’t.”

“I can see that. You want a drink, Doris?”

“No, thanks. Whew. Gentlemen, I think I just witnessed a medical miracle. You didn’t drug me, did you?”

“No.”

“Well, that was quite a thing, that was. I’ve haven’t felt that since Lenny died.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell him. There’s a lot of men who would kill to be able to do that.”

“I’ll say. Me coming first. That’s a first. Well, thanks boy, that was fun.”

“Wait, wait, wait. The money?”

“What about it?”

“Fifty dollars.”

“We didn’t shake.”

“Oh, come on.”

“It’s not a bet unless you shake.”

“I’d say you got your money’s worth.”

“Let her go.”

“I appreciate it, honey, but, truth is, I haven’t got that kinda scratch handy.”

“You are such a tease.”

“I can give you a ten.”

“Never mind.”

“How’d you learn to do that, anyway?”

“He got it from a girl.”

“A girl.”

“A childhood sweetheart. Louise. She infected him.”

“She did?”

“Theoretically.”

“She made you come with a kiss?”

“Yeah.”

“Wait. You both came? Joe, you didn’t mention that. That’s an important detail.”

“It was kinda embarrassing. I was all wet and I didn’t know what it was. Louise told me.”

“Look at this boy. I wish you could see your face. Look at the mirror behind the bar. What do you see?”

“Us.”

“She’s right. You talked about women. And Joyce. And the Hertz whore.”

“Hertz whore?’

“Doris, haven’t you got tables to do?”

“Shuttup. This is interesting.”

“But you talk about Louise and your whole face changes.”

“It does?”

“Totally. Like it’s on the verge of something.”

“What is a verge exactly?”

“Doris. I’m trying to help my friend here.”

“I’m just curious.”

“It’s a precipice. A threshold. You know what a brink is?”

“I think so.”

“Same thing.”

“Okay.”

“Whatever happened to Louise?”

“Doris!”

“She grew up. Now she’s famous. Her name’s not Louise anymore.”

“She’s what? A singer, an actress? Would I know her?”

“Everybody knows her.”

“Why won’t you tell us her name?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Honey, you’re a lucky man.”

“I am?’

“And I’m not talking about kissing. Most guys spend years looking for the right woman or avoiding her, and you got the right one right out of the chute.”

“Doris, what are you talking about?”

“It’s obvious. You guys kept in touch all this time, right?”

“We dialogue.”

“Dialogue?”

“On the phone.”

“So that’s it. You found the one. And everyone after her couldn’t stack up.”

“You sure?”

“It’s written all over your face, Honey. You ever buy her flowers?”

“On her birthday. I never forget her birthday.”

“Did you ever do the Third Thing?”

“John, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Never mind.”

“Did you ever tell Louise how you feel?”

“She knows how I feel.”

“But did you say it, Honey?”

“You mean the actual words?”

“Yeah, the actual words.”

“Let me think. No.”

“You should send her a card. Women love that shit.”

“No, he’s gotta say it.”

“He doesn’t have to say it! It’s implied.”

“John, I need you to shut the fuck up for second. Honey, listen to me. Stop looking at the mirror. Are you listening?”

“Yes.”

“You should call her.”

“I should?”

“Don’t put it off. Don’t think about it. You gotta tell her. Use John’s cell.”

“Doris!”

“Shuttup. It’s the least I can do for him. Give him your cell.”

“Hello. Is Louise there? She gave it to me. Tell her it’s Joe. From Bay City. They’re routing me. This could take a minute. Louise? How you doing? I’m in a bar with a guy. You too, eh? Let me guess, he’s not your type. Surprise, surprise.”

“I’m here, too.”

“Also there’s a woman named Doris. She’s a waitress. No, I just met her.”

“But we’re on very friendly terms.”

“Listen, you know how you say I can never make up my mind about anything? Well, I think I’ve come to a conclusion.”

“A decision, Honey.”

“I mean a decision. You, too? No, you first. No, you first. Okay, me first. I think you’re the one. She wants to know what that means.”

“It means you love her, honey.”

“It means I love you. Yeah, I guess it is about time. This guy. And Doris. No, I just met him. He started talking me through it. But Doris pushed me over the verge. She wants to talk to you.”

“Howdy, Louise, this is Doris. Oh, he’s serious, all right. No, I just met him, but he’s a helluva kisser if you know what I mean. And he told me about the puptent. Yeah, he’s a stitch. Listen, I like all your stuff. Especially the early stuff. Okay, here he is.”

“Doesn’t she want to talk to me?”

“Shuttup, John. He’s got momentum.”

“Hi. I don’t know. We talked. I told him about the closet. I know, but you can’t keep a secret like that forever. What do you mean? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. What’s so funny? Okay I will. She says to ask Doris what happens when two people who’ve known each other most of their lives finally decide they love each other?”

“They get married.”

“No, they don’t!”

“Shuttup, John. What do you know about it?”

“I’ve been married four times!”

“I rest my case. Trust me, Honey. They get married.”

“Doris says: they get married. John said something else. Well, what? Well, I don’t know. No, I’m not. No I am not backing down. I just need a minute here.”

“Don’t fuck it up, Honey.”

“Okay. Okay to what you said. Okay? Okay. Me, too. Okay, I’ll call you. We’re engaged. I’m meeting her in Reno. Shit, I gotta get a ring.”

“That is so romantic.”

“Another happy man! What can I tell you? It’s a gift.”