Fantastic Metropolis

“Doris, what are you talking about?”

“It’s obvious. You guys kept in touch all this time, right?”

“We dialogue.”

“Dialogue?”

“On the phone.”

“So that’s it. You found the one. And everyone after her couldn’t stack up.”

“You sure?”

“It’s written all over your face, Honey. You ever buy her flowers?”

“On her birthday. I never forget her birthday.”

“Did you ever do the Third Thing?”

“John, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Never mind.”

“Did you ever tell Louise how you feel?”

“She knows how I feel.”

“But did you say it, Honey?”

“You mean the actual words?”

“Yeah, the actual words.”

“Let me think. No.”

“You should send her a card. Women love that shit.”

“No, he’s gotta say it.”

“He doesn’t have to say it! It’s implied.”

“John, I need you to shut the fuck up for second. Honey, listen to me. Stop looking at the mirror. Are you listening?”

“Yes.”

“You should call her.”

“I should?”

“Don’t put it off. Don’t think about it. You gotta tell her. Use John’s cell.”

“Doris!”

“Shuttup. It’s the least I can do for him. Give him your cell.”

“Hello. Is Louise there? She gave it to me. Tell her it’s Joe. From Bay City. They’re routing me. This could take a minute. Louise? How you doing? I’m in a bar with a guy. You too, eh? Let me guess, he’s not your type. Surprise, surprise.”

“I’m here, too.”

“Also there’s a woman named Doris. She’s a waitress. No, I just met her.”

“But we’re on very friendly terms.”

“Listen, you know how you say I can never make up my mind about anything? Well, I think I’ve come to a conclusion.”

“A decision, Honey.”

“I mean a decision. You, too? No, you first. No, you first. Okay, me first. I think you’re the one. She wants to know what that means.”

“It means you love her, honey.”

“It means I love you. Yeah, I guess it is about time. This guy. And Doris. No, I just met him. He started talking me through it. But Doris pushed me over the verge. She wants to talk to you.”

“Howdy, Louise, this is Doris. Oh, he’s serious, all right. No, I just met him, but he’s a helluva kisser if you know what I mean. And he told me about the puptent. Yeah, he’s a stitch. Listen, I like all your stuff. Especially the early stuff. Okay, here he is.”

“Doesn’t she want to talk to me?”

“Shuttup, John. He’s got momentum.”

“Hi. I don’t know. We talked. I told him about the closet. I know, but you can’t keep a secret like that forever. What do you mean? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. What’s so funny? Okay I will. She says to ask Doris what happens when two people who’ve known each other most of their lives finally decide they love each other?”

“They get married.”

“No, they don’t!”

“Shuttup, John. What do you know about it?”

“I’ve been married four times!”

“I rest my case. Trust me, Honey. They get married.”

“Doris says: they get married. John said something else. Well, what? Well, I don’t know. No, I’m not. No I am not backing down. I just need a minute here.”

“Don’t fuck it up, Honey.”

“Okay. Okay to what you said. Okay? Okay. Me, too. Okay, I’ll call you. We’re engaged. I’m meeting her in Reno. Shit, I gotta get a ring.”

“That is so romantic.”

“Another happy man! What can I tell you? It’s a gift.”