The Verge of a Pucker
“I take it she is not a funny person.”
“Funny?”
“Did she make you laugh?”
“No.”
“See that could be the problem right there. Has a woman ever laughed in bed with you?”
“God, no!”
“I don’t mean at you!”
“Nnnnnn, no.”
“I’ll tell you a great secret. Women like laughter.”
“Like… jokes?”
“Oh, god. You’ve never, never made a woman laugh?”
“No. Not intentionally.”
“Wait. I’m having a thought. You’re not by any chance gay?”
“I hope not.”
“You hope not?”
“I mean I don’t wanna be. But I haven’t slept with a woman in five years. So I’ve , you know, wondered….”
“Worried.”
“Yeah. But, well, take you for instance. You’re a good-looking man. You’re clean. Well-groomed. I feel comfortable talking to you. What?”
“You’re not making a pass at me?”
“Hell, no. I’m theoretical here.”
“Okay. Have you ever had sex with a man?”
“Yeah, twice. But they weren’t men, they were boys.”
“Recently?”
“Christ, no! We were Boy Scouts.”
“Oh.”
“It’s was after the singalong and we gave each other handjobs in the pup tent.”
“Here you go, boys.”
“Thanks, Doris.”
“What was she laughing about?”
“Never mind. You like it?”
“The beer?”
“The handjobs.”
“What’s not to like? Jeremy was kind of rough, though.”
“Okay. Well, to be honest, I don’t really think that counts as sex.”
“It bothered me for years. Then I read somewhere that it’s normal for men to experiment at an early age of development. Before the onslaught of sexual maturity.”
“Let’s get back to women.”
“Okay.”
“Tell me something. You ever had a woman friend?”
“One.”
“Where’d you meet her?”
“In grade school.”
“That would be a girl, then?”
“Louise. She’s not a girl anymore. Though she was always tiny. Every other kid in class liked the Beatles or The Stones. We liked The Kinks.”
“You liked her?”
“She was nice. Kind. She wouldn’t put anyone down. Everybody else did—but Louise wouldn’t. She was tough that way.”
“Tough?”
“She didn’t care what people thought about her. I mean, she did but she wasn’t going to adjust her personality. I liked that. That was brave.”
“You kissed her.”
“How’d you know that?’
“You were doing something with your lips.”
“I was?”
“Yeah, they were on the verge of a pucker.”
