Fantastic Metropolis

SETTING

Under a bridge. Debris on stage includes a broken ladder, a cardboard box large enough to hold two people, a shopping cart filled with junk, and a fire barrel. It is night time in midwinter.

AT RISE

Gene Autry, Hungry and Thirsty are gathered around the fire in the barrel. Hungry and Thirsty are in the box; Gene Autry is with his shopping cart.

SOUND: a car passing over the bridge; should have a singing quality.

 

GENE AUTRY

No, Joe Joey-oe makes six. Six dead since summer.

(NOJO enters wearing an extra large hooded sweatshirt; the hood is down. The others do not notice him.)

HUNGRY

Think they’ll take us at the Gibson Street shelter?

GENE AUTRY

Deader than dead, Joey. Broke his promise too.

THIRSTY

I need a drink a hell of a lot more than a bed.

HUNGRY

Me, I need food. Stomach is tight as a fist.

(Pause.)

NOJO (to audience)

As long as I don’t say anything, they can’t see me. If I speak to them, there I am.

(NOJO pulls his hood up, goes to the shopping cart, takes things out, examines them. The others do not notice him.)

THIRSTY

Someone stoke the fire. It’s fuckin’ cold.

GENE AUTRY

This ain’t cold, Joe. Christmas is cold.

(Pause.)

HUNGRY

You want to check out the Colonel?

THIRSTY

Dumpster biscuits. Side of slaw.

(Pause.)

GENE AUTRY

Valentine’s Day, Joey-oey.

THIRSTY

What about it?

GENE AUTRY

That’s cold.

HUNGRY

Yeah.

(Long pause. NOJO waits for someone to speak; nobody does. HE turns away. SOUND: car passing over the bridge. HE looks up immediately, and begins to sing and dance along with the sound. HE moves surprisingly well.)

NOJO (singing)

Stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni, Yankee Doodle, pass it up, Yankee Doodle Randy…

(GENE AUTRY stares in his general direction as if HE has heard something but can’t quite figure out what it is. NOJO freezes. After a moment, GENE AUTRY shakes his head and looks away. NOJO moves on, more cautiously.)

NOJO (to audience)

Some mean stars up there tonight. They get brighter in winter, bigger. Cold makes the air like a lens. At ten below stars can burn through a man’s eyes right into his brain… happened to me once.

(Discovers broken ladder.)

Oh shit, looks like the giant has lost another comb.

(Glances around.)

Maybe it’s only a ladder. Yeah, that’s it. I could pretend like the side rail is missing. And those footprints there … just big smears of mud. If I don’t believe in him, see, he doesn’t exist.

(Beat.)

It’s a kind of magic.

(Drags ladder back to the fire.)

GENE AUTRY

You broke your promise, Joey-oey-oey-oe.

(Yodels the name.)

No Joey-noey-oey-oey-oe.

NOJO (to audience)

Crazy as a chicken and chatting with his hallucinations. Now that’s one luxury I can’t afford.

(Beat.)

Because of the curse, you know. When I imagine things, they come true. That’s how come they can’t see me.

(Breaks a piece off the ladder.)

See? Just a ladder.

(Laughs nervously, throws it into the barrel.)

GENE AUTRY (yodeling)

No Joey-oey-noey-oey-oey-oey-no.

THIRSTY

Hey Gene Autry, shut the fuck up.

NOJO

(Approaches the box, gives it a gentle kick.)

Tape the ends, stick a $200 stamp on the box and we could mail them to Florida. Or North Dakota.

HUNGRY

Gene Autry? Is that what you called him? How old are you anyway?

THIRSTY

Old enough to be fuckin’ president.

GENE AUTRY (in his normal voice)

Joey-noey-oey-oey-no.

HUNGRY

Listen, I gotta eat.

THIRSTY

So eat.

HUNGRY

(Moves restlessly in the box.)

Besides, you ain’t got shit to drink.

THIRSTY

No.

NOJO (to audience)

If that’s true, I can’t stay. If I don’t pour some booze on my imagination soon, the river could thicken to blood. Frogs might crawl up my pants.

THIRSTY

But Mags’ll have a bottle. Always does.

GENE AUTRY

Always does, even though Joey’s dead and some other Joe is next.

NOJO

(Lifts one leg, shakes it suspiciously.)

Hello?

GENE AUTRY (startled)

Joey?

(GENE AUTRY points toward NOJO but not exactly at him, as if GENE AUTRY is guessing where NOJO might be. NOJO hops away from the spot at which GENE AUTRY is pointing.)

GENE AUTRY

JoJo. Son of Joey-oe.

(As GENE AUTRY speaks he keeps pointing in different directions, always closer to the escaping NOJO.)

NOJO

Who do you think I am? One of your hallucinations?

GENE AUTRY

Nojo.

(When GENE AUTRY finally says NOJO’s name, HE is pointing directly at him. NOJO freezes and then pulls down his hood, acknowledging that HE has been caught.)

NOJO

This Mags. He’ll be here when?

HUNGRY

Mags ain’t a bus.

THIRSTY

She tries to help.

HUNGRY

Sorta like the fairy godmother, Nojo.

THIRSTY

More like Santa.

GENE AUTRY

Move some letters around in Santa and you got Satan.

HUNGRY (angry)

No one making you take what she gives. But you will.

(Calmer.)

Ain’t many left like old Mags.

(NOJO breaks another piece of the ladder off and throws it on the fire.)

GENE AUTRY

Where you from, Nojo?

NOJO

That’s not my name.

(To audience.)

I just want you to know. I left my name under the plastic chair in that hospital waiting room a long time ago. I can be anyone now, see. Bob Hope, Madame Curie, Baby Jesus, Lassie, anything I can imagine. That’s the curse, okay? But I should never have opened my mouth. They’re asking me questions, next they’ll be taking my pulse.

HUNGRY

You got to be from someplace.

THIRSTY

Everybody is.

(They wait for NOJO to speak. HE says nothing.)

HUNGRY

Someplace secret maybe?

THIRSTY

Like Fort Knox?

HUNGRY

The North Pole?

GENE AUTRY

No-no-no Joe. Oz.

(SOUND: a car passing over the bridge. NOJO starts to sing and dance. While HE is busy, Mags and ?NGEL enter. ?NGEL is wearing a military coat. A ski mask covers his face. HE is carrying a nylon bag. MAGS is wearing a tatty mink coat.)

NOJO (singing)

Sun so hot I froze to death, Susannah, oh Susannah, oh, oh, Susannah why don’t you die for me…

(NOJO see Mags and ?ngel. ?NGEL tucks the nylon bag under his arm.)

MAGS

Evening, boys and girls. Nice weather for penguins.

(Nods at Nojo.)

New member of the flock?

GENE AUTRY

Nojo. Nojo of Oz.

MAGS (smiles at Nojo)

You know, they’ll give you a free coat over on Gibson Street.

NOJO

I’m new here. Not sure where all the doors are yet.

HUNGRY

He thought you were a man, Mags.

MAGS

Coat might save your life. Give you the chance to be happy someday.

NOJO

I’ve got the fire. I’m okay.

GENE AUTRY

Nojo’s okay, Joey’s dead. Broke his promise.

(Pause.)

THIRSTY

Mags, I’m glad to see you and everything, but I gotta ask. You got anything to drink?

GENE AUTRY

Joey-noey-oe was the sixth. Some got sick, couple froze, one got run over.

(Counts on his fingers.)

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, all dead.

THIRSTY

Sell my left nut for a taste.

MAGS (carelessly)

Deal.

(As MAGS extends an arm toward THIRSTY, HE retreats into his box.)

MAGS

Oh, I see. Not serious.

(Laughs.)

Just a figure of speech, eh?

(To Nojo.)

You thirsty? Takes the chill off.

(NOJO shrugs.)

MAGS

?ngel, some spirits for our new friend.

(Bows.)

For you, no charge.

(Laughs.)

Give you a chance to try before you buy.

(?NGEL, angry, squats to unzip the bag. HUNGRY and THIRSTY unpack themselves. GENE AUTRY walks his shopping cart forward. ?NGEL opens a fifth of Conquistador whiskey and drinks with eyes fixed on NOJO.)

?NGEL

¡Me cago en la leche de tu puta madre!

(HUNGRY has trouble standing up. SHE makes it on the third try but only with help from THIRSTY.)

THIRSTY

What’d he say?

MAGS

He shits in the milk of my whore mother.

(Extends her hand for the bottle.)

So to speak.

?NGEL

¡Coño!

(MAGS wiggles her fingers; ?NGEL give her the bottle. SHE lets HUNGRY have the first drink. HUNGRY is very shaky until SHE drinks, then SHE steadies. The bottle makes its way around the fire. There is a sacramental air to the drinking. NOJO is the last.)

NOJO

(Reads the label.)

Says here it’s a Preferred Blend and has A Tradition of Excellence Since 1931. This Conquistador is on horseback; he wears armor the color of an old spoon. He has ridden a long way, over mountains and deserts and bar codes, in his quest for strong drink.

(Drinks, then speaks to the audience.)

Here’s the deal. The whiskey vaporizes in your mouth and whistles down your throat like steam. It changes as it settles in your gut, becomes a kind of glow, only it carries a weight and the bitter fragrance of newly-split oak. The fragrance curls into your blood, streams to your head. Then your vision blurs and for one short, infinitely sweet moment, things stop being like other things. They simply are. The bridge becomes the bridge, your shoe is itself only. You can no longer hear the world whisper of secret and insidious connections. Leaves cease to conspire with branches. The ground does not rise up to meet you. You have chosen wisely; you have become that dull and happy stranger who has nothing magic about him.

THIRSTY

Hey, Nojo.

HUNGRY

Next!

THIRSTY

Wake him up, damn it.

(MAGS leads him back to the fire. SHE takes the bottle and it circles the fire again. This time THIRSTY drinks before HUNGRY. After HUNGRY finishes her second drink, her legs go out from under her. As HUNGRY falls forward, GENE AUTRY snatches the bottle away. HUNGRY huddles into herself, shivering. HUNGRY begins to moan softly. From time to time this moaning becomes loud enough for the audience to hear.)

MAGS

What’s her problem?

THIRSTY

I don’t know. She was kinda hungry before.

MAGS (to Hungry)

Hey, lady, you shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach.

THIRSTY

You didn’t bring anything to eat…?

MAGS

What do I look like? The United Fucking Nations?

(MAGS fishes around in her pocket and comes up with a crushed Twinkie, still in its wrapper. She unwraps it, takes a bite and tosses it to THIRSTY. THIRSTY kneels next to HUNGRY and feeds her crumbs of the Twinkie. Meanwhile, NOJO has taken the bottle from GENE AUTRY. NOJO drinks. SOUND: a truck passing over the bridge. NOJO looks up in mid-swallow and then starts to cough, as if the whiskey has gone down the wrong way. Some whiskey spills. HE staggers into MAGS and SHE takes the bottle from him.)

THIRSTY

I don’t know when she ate last. And she’s probably freezing.

(Jiggles HUNGRY to make her eat.)

Come on, we’ll get out of this. What if I need you? Come on.

NOJO (recovering, speaks to audience)

I can still feel the cold creeping through my shirt and pinching my nipples. But I wear the armor of a conquistador and don’t care. I am stronger than weather. If I want I can melt a hole to the center of the earth.

THIRSTY

(Beckons for the bottle.)

Once m-more, Mags.

MAGS

What’s in it for me?

(Reaches toward THIRSTY’s crotch.)

You really want to get out of this? Let’s do a deal. Then you won’t need any more handouts.

THIRSTY

(Backs away.)

Look at us. We’re f-f-fuckin’ dying here. Jesus, do I have to b-beg?

MAGS

You could. Joe did.

GENE AUTRY

Oh, no, Joe-oey wouldn’t beg. Not Joey-oe.

MAGS

Things change at the end. I know, I was there.

GENE AUTRY

Oh no. No-no-no.

(Sorts through the junk in the shopping cart, looking for something.)

Oh no, you weren’t. He died of fever, Jo-oey-oe.

THIRSTY

Uh-uh. He fuckin’ froze.

GENE AUTRY

He promised me.

(Search getting desperate; throws junk out of shopping cart.)

Nope. No.

MAGS

I found him on a bench by the pond in Fisher Park. He’d pissed and puked himself. When I woke him up, he asked for help. I took him home.

?NGEL

Se la tiró.

MAGS

He never touched me, barely knew where he was. I took off his clothes and gave him a hot bath. I put him in my own bed. I sang to him. He didn’t want to die alone. We had an understanding.

GENE AUTRY

No way, no such bathtub.

(Points a shoe at Mags.)

And where’d you get a bed anyway?

MAGS

Where I got this whiskey, eh ?ngel? We’re miracle workers.

(Laughs.)

?NGEL

Eso es como cagadas de hormiga.

(Scratches his nose through the ski mask.)

MAGS

This is not ant shit.

(Waggles the bottle at him.)

It’s important. Six people are dead because they had no place to go. And just look at these poor suffering bastards. You call this living? Anyone here happy?

(MAGS waits for a reply. None of the homeless people speak.)

MAGS

No.

(Beat.)

Poor ?ngel doesn’t understand what we’re doing here. He’d rather be home on the couch scratching his balls and watching It’s A Wonderful Life. Me, I try to help people find their way.

(Laughs.)

Even if it kills them.

GENE AUTRY

No, nope. They found Joey behind the middle school. It was in the paper. No-no-no, absolutely not.

MAGS

I had to stick him someplace after it was over. He didn’t care. The deal was done.

(MAGS motions to ?NGEL, who removes a dirty baseball hat from the bag and gives it to MAGS. The hat is embroidered with the name JOE. MAGS offers it to GENE AUTRY.)

MAGS

This was his. He wanted you to have it.

GENE AUTRY

But he… okay.

(GENE AUTRY examines the hat, puts it on.)

GENE AUTRY

Okay, the no-good bastard was my only friend.

(GENE AUTRY takes hat off, places it in the shopping cart and finds what he’s been looking for. HE pulls a telephone handset from shopping cart and speaks into it.)

GENE AUTRY

You promised me, Joey-oe. No, you did. You said you’d found it and you said you’d show me the way back and you promised, Jojoey.

MAGS

Back where?

GENE AUTRY

(Waves for her to be quiet; he’s listening.)

No, Joe.

(Beat.)

No, but Joe…

(Cups a hand over the speaker.)

Back to the world. He promised to show me how.

(THIRSTY is alarmed by this statement; HE jerks HUNGRY up and drags her toward the box. As they pass NOJO, THIRSTY tries to bring him along too. NOJO shakes him off.)

NOJO (to audience)

I don’t need to hide. I’ve been quiet so long, I can just disappear again. Watch.

(Puts hood up.)

MAGS

Give me that.

GENE AUTRY

Just a minute, Joey-oe. She wants to speak to you.

MAGS

(Takes handset, transfers whiskey to other hand.)

What?

(Listens.)

Hey man, that’s not my problem.

(Holds the receiver away from her ear.)

No. I said no.

(Shakes her head.)

You’re dead, Joe. We made a bargain, remember? Hang up.

(Tosses handset to GENE AUTRY.)

GENE AUTRY

Joe!

(Listens, jiggles handset, listens again.)

Joe.

(Pause. THIRSTY tries to get HUNGRY into the box.)

HUNGRY (mumbling)

Shi… Nmmm.

MAGS

You want to go back to the world? Here’s the deal. Climb up to the highway and head south into town.

(Grasps GENE AUTRY by the shoulders and aims him.)

When you come to Summer, take a left. Go through three lights and bear left again onto Gibson. The shelter is number twenty-four.

HUNGRY (mumbling)

Nomm. No room.

NOJO (to audience)

He’s right. I’ve never been able to fit my damned imagination inside any of their shelters or clinics or hospitals. Even now that it’s been squeezed by the Conquistador, it’s still too swollen to be contained by any building.

(GENE AUTRY escapes MAGS, drops phone in fire. ?NGEL picks up the nylon bag; HE is impatient to leave.)

NOJO (speaking with an accent)

He begged for what? Joey-oe?

(ALL stop and stare, trying to figure out who has just spoken.)

NOJO (speaking with an accent)

You said he begged.

(Speaking in his normal voice; he is scared.)

It’s the Conquistador… hijacking my voice. Shit damn, I’ve never been two people at the same time before.

(GENE AUTRY maneuvers the shopping cart between himself and NOJO.)

NOJO (speaking with accent)

What did he beg for?

(Pulls down his hood.)

MAGS

Whiskey, booze, the demon. You know, the eighty proof miracle. Actually, I believe he called it laughing soup.

GENE AUTRY

Joey would’ve said that. Said it all the time, yeah, gimme a cup of the laughing soup. What Joe said. Only he’s dead.

MAGS

That what you need, Nojo?

(Offers the bottle.)

Everyone here has had a chance to deal but you.

NOJO (speaking with an accent)

Sure.

GENE AUTRY

But you can’t. It’s no good Nojo. Nothing lasts.

MAGS

I know all about you, busy twisting the world into a fucking poem. I see things as they are, I don’t need metaphors. But you, you’ve been playing inside your own head so long that life has passed you by. Getting tired of the games, Nojo? Magic wearing a little thin?

NOJO (speaking with an accent)

It’s a fucking curse.

HUNGRY (mumbling)

Nmmm. Uhh, go home.

MAGS

You think anything could happen. But get a load on and boom. You’re living in the real world with everyone else. The people who make choices and live with them. The people who have names.

NOJO (speaking with an accent)

Boom.

(Laughs.)

MAGS

Nojo disappears.

NOJO (speaking with an accent.)

Bye.

(Waves hand.)

GENE AUTRY

No-no-no. Don’t you understand? Joe’s dead. Nothing lasts.

MAGS

This can.

(Offers bottle.)

It’s a preferred blend, the last of the laughing soup, just guaranteed to make you the same as everyone. You won’t have to worry anymore whether you’re crazy or magic, Nojo. You can put all that behind you. Or maybe you’d rather shiver and freeze with these sorry fuckers, and die someday like Joe?

(NOJO considers this.)

MAGS

I can help, but only if you let me. Okay? Here’s my offer. All you have to do is give us a kiss, just like in the fairy tale. Your last chance to be happy.

NOJO (speaking to the audience in his normal voice)

She is going to put out my imagination. I could run away… only I have the courage of a conquistador.

MAGS

The same as everyone.

(Approaches Nojo.)

Bye, Nojo.

(LIGHTING effect on bottle.)

MAGS

(Catches NOJO by the wrist.)

Kiss.

NOJO

I can still escape if I want… The same…

(MAGS drains bottle and holds whiskey in her mouth.)

NOJO

...as everyone. I could have a job, a VCR, a bed with green sheets.

(MAGS kisses NOJO and releases whiskey into his mouth. Some spills but they continue kissing. Finally, reluctantly, NOJO disengages and backs away from her.)

NOJO (to audience)

Can you feel it? It’s thawing memories that have been frozen for years.

(A laugh becomes a choking cough. He sits and recovers.)

There I was, sitting on the shoes in the back of my parents’ closet and I was wearing my dad’s motorcycle helmet and I had tied a towel cape around my neck and mommy was calling, Petey, where are you? Peter! and I tried not to giggle but I was only a little kid and she heard me and opened the door and she said, Petey, I’ve been looking all over, how long have you been sitting in the dark? and I said, This is outer space and I’m an astronaut and it has to be dark because it’s always nighttime in space … but before I could finish she caught me up in her arms and hugged me and said, What am I going to do with you? and when I wriggled, my space helmet fell over my eyes and she laughed, You’re just as bad as me, you know. You let your imagination run away with you, and she kept laughing at me, so I told her I was not bad and mommy said, No, it’s what makes you special, a kind of magic. Because if you have an imagination, you can do anything, be anything when you grow up.

(NOJO settles himself, preparing to sleep. Behind him, ALL exit, clearing stage of everything but the fire barrel.)

NOJO

Anything.

(Puts his head down, then raises it for a last word.)

But it wasn’t really her fault, the curse. See, she didn’t know I’d believe her.

(Sleeps.)

(LIGHT on Nojo, the rest of the stage goes dark. Hold for several beats then all LIGHTS come up. SOUND: cars passing over bridge—no singing quality—continues intermittently until curtain. SOUND: someone stops, a car door opens and shuts.)

GENE AUTRY

Hey you.

(GENE AUTRY enters, wearing mechanic’s overalls. HE approaches NOJO, kneels and shakes him gingerly.)

GENE AUTRY

You all right?

NOJO

Huh?

GENE AUTRY

Thank the Good Lord. For a minute there, friend, I was afraid you were…

NOJO

I was…?

(Beat.)

No, I’m not. I’m not anything.

GENE AUTRY

Never mind. You must be freezing. Heard on the radio it got down to two below out by the airport.

NOJO

I’m okay.

(NOJO struggles weakly to sit up.)

GENE AUTRY (restraining him)

Sweet Jesus. You just stay where you are, friend. I already called for help on the CB.

NOJO

No, no, I’m fine. Really. Never been better.

GENE AUTRY

(Gets up to go, hesitates.)

I’ll be right back, okay? There’s some blankets in the trunk. You got a name there, friend?

(HUNGRY and THIRSTY enter. They are no longer wearing rags and are well dressed for the cold weather. They hang back, curious but cautious.)

NOJO

Pete.

(Beat.)

My name is Pete.

GENE AUTRY

You just hang in there, Pete. I’ll be right back.

(GENE AUTRY approaches HUNGRY AND THIRSTY.)

THIRSTY

Who is he?

HUNGRY

Is he all right?

GENE AUTRY

Pete somebody. I don’t know.

HUNGRY

Poor thing.

(Stepping toward Nojo.)

He’s looks like he’s starving, We’ve got some extra donuts.

GENE AUTRY

Cops are on their way.

(GENE AUTRY and THIRSTY glance at each other.)

THIRSTY (steering Hungry away)

Let’s go, dear. He’ll be taken care of.

(NOJO stands and walks to the fire barrel. HE strips off his sweatshirt. Underneath HE is wearing a gray suit coat, white shirt and conservative tie. NOJO drops the sweatshirt into the barrel. SOUND: a siren. NOJO pulls back his sleeve, glances at his wristwatch, shakes his head.)

NOJO (speaks experimentally, as if trying the name on for size)

Pete.

(Deciding.)

Good old Pete.

(NOJO extends his hand as if to shake with the audience.)

Okay, here’s the deal. Name’s Pete.

(NOJO approaches audience, hand out.)

Pleased to meet you.

(BLACKOUT)

---

The first full staging of “A Swim in the Laughing Soup” was held at Theatricus in Poughkeepsie, NY in 1998 under the direction of Brett Joubert. Credit also goes to Blair Hundertmark of Portsmouth, NH as James Patrick Kelly’s dramaturg.