Fantastic Metropolis

Albatross: expressionless, cruising bird. In The Ancient Mariner Coleridge hung a dead one around the protagonist’s neck in a desperate attempt to make him more interesting.

Bat: this animal is harmless when found in a kidney tray.

Crab: write incriminating evidence on its back and see it run.

Dog: malevolent, n-shaped animal, which may sometimes be heard to speak.

Eel: hose and nozzle, moving in water.

Frog: rubber monster which stares openly at friend and foe alike.

Garter snake: a sacred animal in many tribes, the garter snake is best when roasted.

Hammerhead: large, inflatable shark. Only the fins, sneering mouth and tremendous size tell the common man that this is no ordinary pet.

Ichthyosaurus: prehistoric dolphin with hubcap eyes, first discovered by Mary Anning in Cornwall while she was dynamiting fish.

Jaguar: when provoked, this car will explode.

Knife: in cricket, the object one throws at a bastard.

Lizard: when mashed, this animal resembles snot.

Maggot: treddle-operated finger biscuit made mainly of beef.

Narwhal: elephant with dangerous, stabbing nose and dry sense of humour.

Octopus: doughy animal which, when removed from its ocean environment, is disconcertingly useless.

Penguin: black and white creature with a bill, often mistaken for a lawyer.

Quetzalcoatl: inflatable god of the Aztecs, known for its raised eyebrows and milk-giving shoulderblades.

Ribbonfish: elongated animal used by senior judges for self-flagellation. The fish is also used for the binding of wrists and in emergencies may be discreetly eaten.

Salami: zombie meat—leave it alone.

Trilobyte: thrown hard at a mime, this empty fossil shatters on impact.

Underwear: tight clothing worn by some federal agents.

Vampire bat: cute, pig-faced bird which drinks blood. The family Megadermitidae cannot drink blood and are called ‘false vampires’. Which goes to show that if you’re a bat, you can’t win.

Whip: the ostentatious manner in which a public speaker discards his trousers.

Xylophone: percussion instrument made from vicars’ ribs and played at high speed by circus clowns.

Yell: the manner in which one addresses a policeman.

Z particle: possessing a weak nuclear force, these particles are seen to bear a likeness of Orson Welles’ face when viewed at 20nm resolution.

---

Steve Aylett is the author of Shamanspace, Atom, Only an Alligator, The Crime Studio, Bigot Hall, Toxicology and Slaughtermatic.